


Gilles de Rais VS Amakusa Shirou Ladder Match for the custody of Jalter Lily

by Bingubiusrex, BraveInvisibleWorld, Egg_Lute



Category: Fate/Apocrypha, Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 16:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18760498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bingubiusrex/pseuds/Bingubiusrex, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraveInvisibleWorld/pseuds/BraveInvisibleWorld, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egg_Lute/pseuds/Egg_Lute
Summary: Court just wasn't enough. Now Gilles de Rais and Amakusa Shirou have to battle it out in the ring to see who gets to have custody of Jeanne Alter Santa Lancer Lily.





	Gilles de Rais VS Amakusa Shirou Ladder Match for the custody of Jalter Lily

**Author's Note:**

> This story could not have been made without the help of BraveInvisibleWorld and Egg_Lute, please, show them support.

“To make a long story short, one of you will have to take custody of Santa Janta Jalter Lily III or whatever,” Da Vinci explained to Jeanne D’Arc (Normal) and Gilles De Rais (Ugly) on one side of the courtroom and to Amakusa Shirou and Semiramis on the other. “So make your cases, and I’ll jot them down.” She pulled out a notebook for emphasis. She was clearly just sketching Dr. Roman’s fursona within the notes. His fursona was a badger.

 

Amakusa’s hand shot up. “I’ll start. I’ve literally done nothing wrong EVER in my life and I am somewhat responsible.” Semiramis nodded in agreement from next to him. “This is my idea for the Judge Judy courthouse I have it COPYRIGHTED,” shouted Merlin from the stands. Da Vinci shot him in the hero bootyhole I guess lol. 

 

Jeanne (biased) tried to argue that Semiramis’s Hanging Gardens are unsafe and OBVIOUSLY violate OSHA violations. “Darling, I have handrails installed its safe ok,” Semiramis replied coolly. She got a high five from Amakusa. The whole bus clapped. Oppa Semi Style.

 

Da Vinci continued to doodle Roman’s fursona and looked up to ask Jeanne a question. “Jeanne, it says here that when you first saw Jalter Lily you loudly exclaimed ‘Ok, what the fuck? Is that a child? I’m going to click clack her.’ Is this true?”

 

Jeanne sweated profusely. “Um. Well. I plead the 5th?” Then she pointed to the airpod eye dude to distract the jury.

 

Gilles began to cry and in his hysteria said, “I-I’ll never get any PUSSY…. I’m so nice to the girls and they just ignore me and get with these guys who are SO BAD FOR THEM and I. I just want some pussy... It’s because I pay for their mEALS and afterwards they don’t respect me,” to get sympathy in the case or whatever the fuck. “PLEASE!!! THE SEWERS ARE SAFE I SWEAR THE RATS AREN’T DANGEROUS JALTER LILY HAS BEEN THERE BEFORE AND SHE’S BEEN FINE!”

 

Jalter Lily then ran onto the floor of the court from the child room because she didn’t give a shit and informed the room that she contracted the plague in the sewers and that Gilles started the plague too, because she’s a naughty child who tattles >:). 

Da Vinci began to finish her drawing. She called Hokusai and Boudica from the jury stands to show it to her. Hokusai had mixed feelings about it. Boudica did not. Da Vinci then said, “So to sum up, Jeanne, all your side has to offer is Caster Gilles’ sewers due to Saber Gilles’ mansion being taken by the IRS, and it has been confirmed by the child that the plague is well and alive in it. And on Amakusa’s side we have the totally sick as fuck Hanging Gardens that is OSHA verified and great for playdates.” Nursery Rhyme and Jack nodded sagely at this. “I think this is a wrap, folks. Amakusa wins court over now leave I gotta hand in a commission to Sheba.” It was then that the doors burst open.

 

“EXCALIBURRRRRR… MORGANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” It was Santa Alter.

 

“BITCH! THIS ISN’T THE QP GRIND!!!!” screamed Da Vinci.

 

“Unfortunately, I am not here for the grind. I’m here for my legal rights for custody as Santa, the most generous person EVER.” Dramatic music started playing like it’s Evangelion or some shit if you’re reading this you know the damn drill. 

 

“Ma’am you can’t even take custody of your son. Get the fuck out.” And then Da Vinci hit her with the Mona Lisa Countess Binchi Flagrante BEAM and exploded the shit out of the court. Mordred polite cat’d Santa on the way out. “Well, Amakusa, it looks like the law is out of the question! We shall settle this like civilized people. I, Gilles de Rais, will meet you in the court of men….the wrestling ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

***

“Heeelllo everyone! This is Eric Bloodaxe. Please don’t tell my wife I’m here.”

 

“And this is Taiga Fujimura fresh from my rabies booster!!!!!!” BB ran after her cuz that tiger escaped from the clinic before she could actually get the shot. She lied on main like a BASTARD. BB unfortunately could not enter the arena due to not purchasing tickets but teleported in because she cheats i guess.

 

“And we’re here with the servant match of the century. The perfect man of the cloth, the man with all right answers here to bring you some Christmas cheer, SANTA! ISLAND! MAAAAAAAAAAASK! And some clown idiot who kills people and is wrong. Wait what the fuck? Did he bring more people with him?” Ryuunosuke stood behind Gilles in a ‘do-it-to-em’ pose, insulting everyone’s eyes. Both were wearing speedos and shitty masks. God, it was bad.

 

Jeanne was biting her nails. Somehow she was able to mess with the rules so that Gilles could get his friend in. But is this really enough?

 

“Oh, we’re really in for it now Jalte- wait Jalter? Where are you? Oh fiddlesticks, I forgot her in Shinjuku. Oh well she’s an adult she’ll be fine.” Jalter was not fine. She was outside her job at WcBonalds and was being attacked by rats. “JESUS CHRIST I’M GONNA GET RABIES AND GET TURNED INTO RAT PRISMS AGAIIIIN!!!” Jalter screeched as she like set fire to the establishment. Fuck capitalism. 

 

Jalter Lily, not that emo bitch, was sitting by Amakusa’s side because he gave her ice cream and lollipops.

 

“Aaaand we're off folks!” Eric Bloodaxe yelled. “First off is Gilles’ skinny friend. He has candy corn colored horns on and gray paint on his skin and it looks like he’s raring to g- nevermind folks it seems that Amakusa threw a black key at him. Can we get a janitor to clean this?” Emiya grumbled as he got a mop. As he walked, his giant tits and fat ass bounced in typical MILF style. He bent over. The crowd went wild.

 

“Gilles has officially entered the ring!” screeched Taiga. “Oh no! He pulled out Prelati’s spellbook! OH! MY! GOD! HE JUST BLASTED THE RING WITH HIS NOBLE PHANTASM! WHERE IS SANTA ISLAND MASK? IS HE GONE. WHERE IS-”

 

“ _ THERE HE IS! ON TOP OF THE LADDER! _ ” bellowed Bloodaxe. “OH MY ODIN IS HE GOING TO- HE IS! SANTA ISLAND MASK JUST ELBOWED GILLES DE RAIS FROM THE LADDER WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?”

 

“Uwooooow… he took NO DAMAGE because he’s a ruler!!” Taiga squawked as Amakusa prepared his finishing move. 

 

“You know...I take matches like these seriously,” said Amakusa. “For the past three weeks I have been training with Summer!Martha, Quetzalcoatl, and Astraea. They passed down their wrestler knowledge and now, with their strength, I! Will! DEFEAT YOU!” Amakusa raised his hands in the air and Martha, Quetzalcoatl, and Astraea rose from their seats and gave their power to him, giving Amakusa the power of the ultimate wrestler”. 

 

First, he shouted at Gilles with his hands as a makeshift megaphone to weaken him. His doctrine shook Gilles to the core: “REDACTED be like ‘ **Yuh** ’ idiot”. Gilles cried out in pain as his skin started to disintegrate in an ironic fashion. Then, Amakusa grabbed Gilles from the back. “THIS IS FOR JALTER LILY, AND ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD!” and performed a perfect german suplex. 

 

Tears fell down Taiga’s eyes. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing...this is so beautiful. Archer get me food.” The MILF sighed again as he put on an apron and left the audience.

 

“If only my wife were here to see this….actually wait I forgot she would get mad at me, nevermind,” remarked Eric.

 

“NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Gilles let out a ghastly scream. This was it. He lost. He lost the match and lost custody of Jalter Lily. He laid down on the ground. Defeated, weak, and without any pussy because the girls ignore him even though he pays for their meals. But out of nowhere, an arm came out, extended towards him.

 

“Get up Gilles. It’s over. You put up a good fight.” Amakusa’s smile warmed Gilles’ heart. Maybe...even if he didn’t have Jalter Lily things would be alright. 

 

“Before I leave with Jalter Lily, I just want to say one last thing to you, Gilles.”

“What could it possibly be, Amakusa?”

 

“Twinarmbigcrunch.”

 

“Wha-” Gilles disappeared. Whatever skin that did not disintegrate before sure was gone now. Along with the rest of them. He’s gone; he actually just disappeared. 

 

“WHAT A MOVE! SANTA ISLAND MASK USED HIS NOBLE PHANTASM TO WIN THE MATCH AND COMPLETELY OBLITERATED GILLES! THIS IS THE MATCH OF THE CENTURY!! I SURE HOPE MY WIFE DOES NOT HEAR ABOUT THIS!” Bloodaxe yelled from the bottom of his lungs.

 

“Truly, a match like this won’t be seen for a while, unless we get to see the Karna and Fujino staring contest,” Taiga said in awe. 

  
Amakusa left the ring with his arms in the air and belt on his shoulder. Jalter Lily ran up to him, leading to Amakusa hoisting her up onto his shoulders. The two of them and Semiramis walked back triumphantly to the hanging gardens that was in the parking lot. Jeanne had tears all over her face and ran away to get a hit of Astolfo’s juul. The resident MILF archer made Taiga a good meal. Gilles stayed dead.


End file.
